Understanding 엄마

Last Sunday, Mark and I finally met back up with Birth Mother or 엄마. It had been months and it was actually the first time we've ever met without SangKwun, or my uncle to help with translations.

But I can honestly say that this was our best visit yet. It provided me with a whole new level of 엄마 understanding. In more ways than one.

First of all, without realizing it... my Korean (at least my listening) has finally arrived! I was able to converse with 엄마 without the training wheels of a translator of my electronic dictionary. To be honest, she speaks craazyfast and uses a lot of slang/country dialect, so there's a lot I can't understand. But when she tells a story, I can usually understand 50%~70% and fill in the rest. There may be misunderstandings, but at least there's a degree of understanding. Finally.

Secondly, the ability to converse has provided me with some much needed perspective on my relationship with my 엄마. Ironically, almost a year ago I posted about experiencing post-reunion awkwardness. I felt that 엄마 was overly touchy-feely and didn't respect my boundaries since to me she was essentially a stranger.

But the thing is, I was not a stranger to her. This time, she described the special pregnancy dream she had about me. (This is something Koreans believe in ~ the mother or a close family member will have a very vivid dream about the unborn child and it foretells the child's fortune/life/temperament.) My special dream was about a gold ring. (That's got to be good, right?!)

Then 엄마 told me that they were so poor, she couldn't afford to go to the hospital to have me. So she had me in her house... with no drugs... and just a older lady to help her. But then once I was born, they had no money, so it was hard to keep me fed. She said sometimes all she could do was give me rice, even though I really needed milk. And I as a baby I was sick a lot because of that. And as any mother would, she worried. But she tried to keep me, and managed to until I was a little over a year.

One year old. I think about my good friends who have children who are a year old. These are not babies... these are little people who react to things, have personalities, and most importantly know who their parents are.

So what I failed to understand, was that this woman really knew me. It was I who had forgotten about her. And even though I went to America and had a whole new life without giving her much of a second thought, she was in Korea thinking of me... missing me...

Actually, when we met, she brought along a little girl. I *think* she might be a second cousin. But 엄마 told me that when she misses SangKwun and me, she spends time with this little girl and her sisters. (I apologize for this terrible picture, but it was the only picture from the day. Too busy living it to record it, I guess.)

I don't think life has been as kind to 엄마 as it has to Birth Father or 아버지. As a woman in Korea... especially a single woman... it's hard to earn a decent living. But every time we meet, she insists on paying and slips me some cash telling me to "맛있게 먹어" or "eat delicious food." I know it's a sacrifice for her so I try to refuse it, but she always insists. Impossible to ever lose that motherly instinct, I guess.

I'm grateful for the opportunity to get to know the woman I knew so well almost 30 years ago and who has never forgotten me. So I guess I'll end it with the words she says every time she sees me and every time we talk on the phone. I used to pretend not to understand, then awkwardly said it back... but now I that I opened my mind to her I can say and mean...

엄마... 사랑해 ~~~~ I love you.

Post Reunion Awkwardness

I've been debating with myself about this post because I don't want to seem whiny or like I'm complaining. I know a lot of adoptees are searching for their birth parents and are unable to find them... and I've been very lucky in how easy it's been for me to find and reunite with my birth family. However, I know I relied on blogs to learn more about Korea and birth family reunions, and there are some adoptees who read this blog. So, I think it's important to show both positives and negatives of life post-reunion. In addition, I'm also kind of hoping that someone reading this will be able to offer a different perspective or some advice...

I saw Birth Mother again last weekend with SangKwun and Emily. I'm not going to go into specific details of what happened, but let's just say this visit consisted of a nice dinner followed by an extremely awkward sleepover with massive communication barriers.

Here we are at dinner.

My relationship with my birth mother is more difficult than the one with my birth father. While we had a few cultural mishaps, my birth father mostly understood that I grew up in another culture and let our relationship build slowly. He mostly just tried to make sure we were fed and tried to show us different things around Korea. As I spent more time around him (albeit without much communication), I began feeling more comfortable just sitting and hanging out with him.

My birth mother, on the other hand, has bulldozed her way into this relationship and it's kind of repelling me. The first time I saw her, I was a tiny bit uncomfortable, but thought it was sweet that she was constantly trying to hold my hand and touch me. But every subsequent meeting has been more of the same. Her favorite position to take when I'm sitting in a chair is on the floor at my feet, while she continues to hold my hand or rub me while speaking to me repeatedly in Korean. It's just too much. I'm not an overly affectionate person, especially with people I don't know well.

I know Koreans are really into physical affection and when I see mothers and daughters out, they're always holding hands or rubbing each other's arms. But that's not my culture anymore and I don't really know her very well, much less see her as my mom.

I've been trying to look at it from her point of view... she carried me for 9 months and cared for me for about a year... so she probably feels those same maternal instincts toward me. Additionally, she can't communicate with me, so probably sees this as the only way to show affection. It's really pretty sad for her... she remembers me and wants to show love for me, whereas she's a virtual stranger to me. I can completely sympathize with her. But at the same time, I'm feeling really uncomfortable around her and (I hate to say this), but dreading our next visit...

Does anyone have any advice about how to deal with this situation? I don't want to push her or her hand away... because that could be taken the entirely wrong way. But I don't want to feel awkward every time I'm around her, either... I'm hoping once I can communicate with her in Korean, she will express herself though words instead of actions... but until then???

Happy Mother's Day!

What a strange Mother's Day to have not one, not two, but THREE Moms to think of! I feel so blessed to have all three of these women in my life.

My Mom... last year I gave her a magnet from Curly Girl and it says it so well:

"you know" she said, "Even if she weren't My mom, I would go out of my way to be friends with her."

My mom is so supportive, caring, generous, and a fabulous listener. And I'm amazed at how selfless she's been -- and even truly excited -- when she learned that my birth mother would be entering my life. Thank you for all you do, and mostly just for being YOU. I love you, Mom!

Secondly, my Mom by marriage. You always hear those stories about the crazy mother-in-laws from hell... Well, not to brag or anything (well, okay, I am), but I am willing to place money on the fact that I have the best Mom-In-Law of anyone I know. :) She has welcomed me into her family with open arms. We've had a blast shopping, drinking wine, and generally hanging out. I feel so blessed to have her in my life. I love you!

Last, is the Mom I just met. Long ago, she made probably one of the biggest sacrifices she's ever had to make when she sent me overseas to be adopted. I can't even imagine how difficult that had to be, and for that, I will be forever grateful. While I don't really feel that I know her very well and our communication is basically non-existent, I look forward to watching our relationship grow.

Happy Mother's Day to all my Moms!

Dinner with Birth Mother

Our last night in Seoul, I got to go to my Birth Mother's brother's house for a home cooked meal. Not that I should complain, but one of the pitfalls of not having a woman in the picture up until now is that I haven't gotten very many home-cooked Korean meals. And as good as restaurants are, it's really true that meals prepared at home are miles better.

I wasn't really sure what to expect from this dinner -- her younger brother (who came to the original meeting) called me and invited me to his home for dinner. He actually lives off the Seoul National University of Education subway stop, which isn't too far from where we used to live and work. I was actually kind of nervous because SangKwun wasn't coming with me this time around... but there was really nothing to worry about.

When we arrived at the apartment, my Birth Mother came running over and gave me a huge hug. We then sat down to an amazing dinner. And my birth mother watched over me the entire time... making sure my bowl was full and that I was eating enough. Very sweet, but kind of awkward at the same time.

Here we are again. This pic is one of my favorites.

I was able to get a few more details out of my birth mother. She said she lives in Gwanak-gu, which is EXACTLY where Mark and my first apartment was. How weird is that? She also said I was born in that area. Finally, I don't know for sure, but I really don't think she's married. She has never mentioned a husband or any other children... but who knows. Kind of a weird thing to ask about.

She HAS mentioned that she'd like to meet my Birth Father and kind of motioned that she still cares about him. Maybe I'm going way too fairy tale with this one, but I have dreams of the two of them reuniting and rekindling a long lost love... all because of their overseas adopted daughter re-entering their lives. :) A long, long, long shot, but a girl can dream, right?

Oh, and did I mention that I have more cousins??? My uncle has two little boys -- aged 10 and 12. It was SO much fun meeting them because they can speak English! They studied at two hagwons (private academies like what Mark and I taught at): SLP and now they're at CDI. They seemed to understand almost everything we said, but were a bit hesitant to speak. They have English names, but for the life of me, I can't remember them.

Here's a pic of the 3 cousins (and Mark) together. See any resemblance?

It was just hilarious to see them in action though because they played the Wii for hours -- and the older one was constantly on his cell phone with his friends. Not too different from American kids, huh?

Here's Mark playing with the boys. He claims he beat the younger one... but with Mark you never know...

Anyway, this was the perfect way to end our year in Korea. When I embarked on this journey, I would've never imagined I'd be spending my last evening with my Birth Mother, uncle, aunt, and cousins. But this night reaffirmed that I'm making a good decision to go back and learn some Korean. And my family was so excited for the summer -- talking about going to Jeju, baseball games, and more -- I can't wait!

LOVE!

I haven't mentioned this on my blog yet, but my brother, Kevin, and his wife, Alicia, are visiting us in Korea right now. It's been so great, and we're having a blast. I plan to do another post with pictures of things we've done, places we've gone, and food we've eaten. Stay tuned.

Anyway, the point of this post is that today we visited Sung Ae Won Orphanage in Busan, where Kevin spent the first 5 years of his life. We visited the orphanage before and I blogged about it here. Once again, it was an amazing experience for me. I'm not going to go into too many details of this visit because I feel that it's Kevin's story to tell if he chooses.

Anyway, while we were chatting with the orphanage worker, Chris, and the Chairman of the Board, we noticed a poem on the table. It's so touching and resonates with me, especially in light of my recent reunion with my birth mother and my mom's support through all of it. Love it!!! Hope you enjoy it too.

Legacy of an Adopted Child

- author unknown -

Once there were two women

who never knew each other

One you do not remember

The other you call mother.

Two different lives shaped to make yours one

One became your guiding star

The other became your sun.

The first gave you life

And the second taught you to live in it

The first gave you a need for love

And the second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality

The other gave you a name.

One gave you the seed of talent

The other gave you an aim.

One gave you emotions

The other calmed your fears

One saw your first sweet smile

The other dried your tears.

One gave you up -- it was all that she could do,

The other prayed for a child,

And God led her straight to you.

And now you ask me through your tears,

The age old questions through the years:

Heredity or Environment - which are you the product of?

Neither my darling - neither

Just two different kinds of love.

"Going Home"

Okay, I don't want the focus of this blog to be adoption topics... though it seems to be more and more lately... BUT I saw this preview for a documentary "Going Home" on Serenity in Seoul's blog, and it struck a nerve. It's about a guy who goes to Korea to meet his birth family... the preview alone made my eyes well up with tears. I mean, I feel like my experience here is so unique, but here's another person who's doing the same things as me! Kind of cool (and sad at the same time) that there are probably hundreds, thousands of adoptees with similar stories to me.

Here's the preview... apparently it's showing at the Korean American Film Festival in New York. Obviously I can't make that, but I'm dying to get my hands on a copy of it! Time for some internet research...

Big News

Today could end up being a day I will never forget. Actually, I know it will be. Tonight I will be meeting my birth mother.

SangKwun has been talking about looking for her for awhile now. He hasn't seen her since he was a toddler and I was given up for adoption.

He was able to track down her younger brother, who contacted her, and BAM we're meeting for dinner tonight.

People ask how I'm feeling and honestly, it's happening so fast I'm having a hard time processing it. I get jittery and anxious when I think about it for too long, but I'm mostly just excited. I've always wondered if I look like her and I will get to find out TONIGHT! Wow!